Frenzied Life
by Hasselhoff
Summary: In Progress:: Carter's trip to Africa doesn't sit well with Abby.
1. Prologue

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Authors Note- I decided to start something on my own. I hope to continue with it. If people are enjoying it, I am more likely to continue it though. So please read and review. Also, thanks to Liby, she helped me out a bit here and there. There that's my shout out... oh and DO IT! Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this... It will pick up in the next chapter, I have a few things planned. This is also a short chapter, next one will be longer. 

Disclaimer- I'm not rich, so obviously I don't own anything/anyone. 

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Rating- Um, PG for sure, even G... But it go to PG 13 at any time, I am known for cussing. 

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Summary- Carter comes back from you know where... That's right, Africa... But its not how it seems... That will come later though... Trust. 

Prologue 

I slowly walk through the airport, not making an effort to quicken my pace. I already know who and what are waiting for me. No one and nothing. I guess I can't be too upset, after all, I just took off. Well, not exactly, but that is how it will seem. My bag makes an irritating clank against the hard tile. Leaving. I'm not so sure it was the smartest idea. I told her. I yelled it at her actually. In the middle of the street. She told me to go, she didn't understand why I had to go. Its something I needed to do, its something I love. I'm not sure why. Helping people, who would otherwise get no help, is part of it. Giving something back after all those years of taking. Maybe. Everything is so clear there. Not hazy, as it sometimes has been in Chicago. Chicago holds such a real part of me. She holds such a real part of me. I think she'll understand one day, she'll realise that this is something I have to do. For me. For them. For her. It keeps my feet on the ground. 

I reach the cars. I ordered a cab. Somehow that seemed more appropriate than a limousine. After loading my suitcase into the trunk, I slide into the backseat. Thoughts of her flood my mind. The words she screamed as I left. She never understands. Never. 

~*~

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"Fine go..." She screeches at me. Yah, like you'll really except me leaving. You won't take me back. 

"Yeah, then where would that leave us?" She shakes her head, not sure of what to say next. No where? The same place we are now? She seems very unsure. She knows what she wants. To be with me. But she doesn't think its safe there. She's right. Its not. I wouldn't leave her, not for good. 

"I don't know John, you tell me." I can't. I'm not in control of this relationship, I never have been, never will be. Why is that? Why is the guy never in control? Is it easier for us to be led around? 

"I can't... Because I need to do this. You have to except that." She does. She really does. Its not all about her. Not anymore. Its about us, them, me. Everyone. We are all pulled into this equation. 

"Do what you want then. I won't stop you." She turns and walks back into the hospital. Figures, always the runner, never the chaser. I stare after her for a second. The automatic doors open and close a few times, not once does he face reappear. I hadn't expected it to. I sling my bag over my shoulder. The raid falls over me, the black sky showing no sign of clouds, or rain for that matter. Sometimes looks can be deceiving. 

~*~

I am pulled back to reality, the cab comes to an abrupt stop. I look out the window, expecting to see an accident, nothing but poor. I should have driven myself. But she took my car, that day. I didn't have the keys to hers, I doubt she would drive me to the airport, so it was the only feasible option. The ride seems never ending. I hope she's there. Although I know better, who knows where she will be. Working? Her mothers? My fathers? Visiting Susan? Visiting Sam? She has endless locations to hide from me. I won't search for her. She'll come to me when she's ready. At least I hope she will. I don't know what I will do if she doesn't. I run my fingers through my hair, the light patter of the rain, lulls me into a light sleep. More or less a daydream. The car comes to an abrupt stop. I pull myself out of the seat, thrusting the cab drivers money towards him. I look up at the house. I'm not so sure this will go over very well. If she's even there. The door quietly creeks open. I have an urge to call out, but I don't. She needs her sleep, I can't see her being pleased if I woke her by hollering out to her. I take quiet steps towards her...our bedroom

The door opens. Damn it. She's not here. Really, what did I expect. 


	2. Tiffs

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Authors Note- Its not very good right now, but it will pick up, I promise. I have ideas for this story... Many ideas. So please read and review. Thanks to everyone who already has. 

Chapter One- Tiffs

The hospital is packed. more so than I thought it would be. We have our good days and our bad days here at County, today seems like a bad one. As soon as I enter a foul smell encompasses me. I look to the floor, there at my feet is something, I'd hope to never see... At least not on the floor, and not that of a grown man that is standing over it. 

"Custodian coming through." I move out of the way, letting the man do his job. Obviously not a very pretty one. I run my fingers through my hair, staring down at disgust. I quickly vacant the area, once I have regained my senses. Which wasn't quick enough. The automatic doors open for me, and I am pretty much back where I left off. That's the thing about County, you leave then come back, nothing seems to change. Even if it does, you can throw yourself back into the mix pretty quickly. I avoid the front desk and head straight for the lounge. 

"Welcome back stranger." Susan smiles at me, the smile quickly erases itself from her face though. It is then replaced with a quick glare. 

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask sceptically. I can never be sure, she could just be siding against me, which is most likely what has happened. But one can never be sure, especially not with Susan. 

"Nah. You know the drill." She nudges my arm, clearing the path so I can walk into the lounge. 

It's dark, and cold. A look over to the couch, a tiny body huddled up against it tells me that she's sleeping her to avoid someone. I have a pretty good idea who that someone may have been. I move closer to her, pulling the blanket tighter around her. I know she won't be pleased when she wakes up, so I might as well relish the moment. A moment when she's not telling me where to go. Well, at least its hot. My fingers dance along her creased forehead, pushing stray strands of hair out of her eyes. I lean down, placing a kiss on the area my fingers just touched. She starts to move a bit, I can tell this won't be pretty. She blinks her eyes open, at first I think she may be confused, disoriented even. But the complete opposite, actually. She sits up staring at me, proceeding to roll her eyes. Yup, I'm in for it. This won't be like the last time either, she won't chase me away, push me away, or kick me out.... at least I hope she doesn't kick me out. 

"What are you doing?" She grumbles. Well good morning sleeping beauty. How are you feeling today? Grumpy? Yeah, I got that one. 

"Just admiring your beauty." This isn't an acceptable answer in her books, she gets up pushing past me. "Abby-" I attempt, she won't even listen. She sips on her cup of stale coffee. I take a step closer to her, she takes a step back, then another, and another... Until she is no longer in the lounge. Great, a public fight, this is all I need. I follow her out, figuring it would only make matters worse if I left her for a while. 

"Abby... Talk to me would you?" She flips through the charts at admit. I know this attracting a bit of attention, as Frank has now moved closer to us, and Susan is eyeing both of us suspiciously. 

"Whatever you have to say, I can almost guarantee, I don't want to hear." How does she know that, she hasn't even heard the first part of my speech. I wrote it down on a barf bag, practised it on the plane, perfected it last night. I was thinking about just giving her the bag to read herself, but last time I sent her a letter, well lets just say it didn't go over very well. 

"How do you know? You haven't heard anything yet..." I'm right, if she would just give me a chance. I know it was stupid of me to leave, but it was also something I _had_ to do. Sometimes she is so stubborn it annoys me. She sees nothing but her point of view. 

"Because I know you, which is not a good thing." She deadpans. Low blow. She leaves the admit area, heading off to see a patient, before she can complete her journey I have grabbed her and cornered her in an exam room. "Hey- Hey... Carter... Carter? JOHN!" 

I close and lock the door, just for safety reasons, of course if I do that, when she kills me, I will have no witnesses. Hmm. Oh well, that's just a risk I will have to take. She stands in front of me, arms crossed over her chest, her mouth in the form of a pout. I stand firm, not letting her know, that from time to time I actually fear her. She can be scary. There were a few times when I was immobile due to her. I won't go into that though. 

"I'm sorry." I attempt lamely, I'm not sure what else to say. I have drawn a blank, a complete blank. I don't know if she wants an apology, or flowers, or a house... Or for me to just fuck off. 

"If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it." She lets down her guard a bit, but not enough for me to convince her that its something I had to do. 

"Well then I guess I am not sorry. Because I needed to do it. It's like my good deed, giving something back to the community. I told you I would come home, I promised you I would, and I did. I didn't break my promises. There were so many reasons to go..." 

"I could have given you _four_ good reasons not to go, if that's all you needed." I could have thought of those four reasons all on my own. I don't need her pointing out the obvious. 

"I am safe..."

"Yeah, well sometimes that's not good enough. Did you ever think, that its not all about you?" No she's right. Its all about her. That's how its always been, all about Abby. Abby. Abby. Abby. If something goes wrong, or if anything happens, before it involves anyone else it effects her. 

"You're right. It was about you, cause you know, it always is." She rolls her eyes, storming out of the exam room. I hope I still have a place to live... 


	3. A Brief Moment Of Happiness

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Authors Note- I am just trying to get my footing with this fic, and exactly where it is going, but I will start doing review responses and so forth, when I know exactly how I want this to play out. Or at least have a rough idea of what I want to happen. Anyways, thanks for all the reviews, I hope you like this chapter... It clears things up a bit. Next chapter will be a bit better and longer I hope. 

Chapter Two- A Brief Moment of Happiness

"I'm out." I toss the chart onto the table, creating a stack of charts almost as high as I am. I push myself off of the chair, heading straight for the lounge. Nothing seems sweeter right now then my bed. Although I can think of a few things I would really like right now. None of which I will be getting tonight, that I am sure of. I push into the lounge, jackets and sweaters clutter the table. I look at them for a moment, a smile passes over my lips. Okay, this maybe better than sex. _May_. I quickly rush to my locker, fumbling with the lock. My excitement getting the best of me. I resemble a child in a candy store. None of this matters, I just need to get out of this lounge. My locker door smashes open, falling into the other lockers. I hear a soft moan coming from the couch. Someone's there. I never noticed, I guess I was to caught up in the moment. My fingers travel through my hair, as I watch the sleeping figure relax on the couch. One arm draped over their eyes, shielding whatever light may poke its head about. The other sprawled across their stomach. I can't help but smile again as I approach. Heavy breathing fills my ears as I get closer, I reach out, running my fingers along their body. 

"Mmm." My hand is quickly swatted away. Knelling down, I take her hand in my own, kissing her palm. She looks so sweet and innocent like this. Too bad I know better. Can't fool me. I run my fingers through her hair, gently kissing her forehead. 

"Leave me alone." She whines, that's my baby. I reach down lifting her half awake form into my arms. She nuzzles her head into my shoulder, blinking herself awake. 

"Daddy." Soon her arms are clasped around my neck, and kisses are placed all over my cheek. 

"Hey sweetie." I walk us over towards my locker, closing the door quietly this time, not wanting to disrupt her more than I already have. Although, I am glad that I did. Seeing her has definitely made my dad. All it takes is her wide smiling, the kind that can light up a room, and those big blue eyes dancing back at me. She's gorgeous. Looking fairly similar to her mother. Both short, both have beautiful smiles that they hide from the world. Preferring to dazzle us with their gloomy outlook and oddly dry sense of humour. 

"Where's mom?" I say, trying to balance her while pushing through the lounge. She shakes her head into my neck. I nudge her a bit, wanting to keep her awake long enough so she can get me to her mother. 

"Jordy..." I prod, she moans again. "Jordan." She pries her eyes open to look at me.

"The squirt broke his wrist." Oh no, this can't be good, I can't see _the squirt _being to pleased with this. Nor can I see Abby jumping up for joy, that her three year old broke his wrist. I figure they are in exam one, I catch his name on the board, which confirms my suspicions. 

Jordan clings to me as I walk us towards the exam room. Some what nervous as to what might go down in there. I am presuming the wrist breaking was an accident, but an accident Abby will most likely feel responsible for. He's only three, but he's a fighter. A strong one. He'll be fine, if we didn't baby him so much he might not have even cried. Which he is still doing, the cries feel the hospital. Poor guy. She told me we shouldn't have bought him a skate board. But it was just so tempting. He loves it, rides it day and night. I am betting that's how this happened. I juggle Jordan. my oldest daughter, she just turned six, from one arm to the other. I tug the door open, Abby is holding him down as Susan examines him. I don't think anyone has even noticed we are here. Sam is helping Susan and Abby out by entertaining the other rug rats. 

"Daddy." His eyes lighten up, as Abby runs her fingers up and down his arm, trying to soothe him. 

"Stay still Jack." She looks up, after controlling him a bit better. "You're back." She states it plainly. Nice to see you too Abby. Thanks. 

"Yeah, I thought you'd be home last night." I say a matter of factly. She rolls her eyes at me, pushing down Jack's arm that was outstretched, trying to grab me. I move on the opposite side of Jack, placing Jordan onto the floor. 

"Well, it's broken, but Jack here, is a fighter, so I'm not too concerned." Susan says kissing him gently on the forehead. "Its a clean break. I'll be back in a few minutes." The moment she leaves the rest of my children swarm me. Lucas, my eight year old, squirms his way onto my lap. I kiss him on the cheek, happy to be back with them.

If their was one thing I missed the most out there in Africa it was my family. I haven't been there in ten years, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go back again. The opportunity arose, and I wanted to make a difference, feel alive. I did exactly that. But every night, every day, they were on my mind, my kids, my wife. It was the scariest thing in the world, the dumbest thing in the world to do. Leave my children, but I wanted to, I had too. I knew they would understand They are to young not too. There mother on the other hand, she didn't and doesn't to this day. But to her Africa isn't the same. Its not only the war, although that's what she claims is her problem, the real problem is my past in Africa. My past women... Lucas looks up at me with his big brown eyes, I drag myself back to reality, wanting to here every question he is going to ask me about Africa. 

Sam pokes her head in the room, telling us she needs to take Jack.

"Hey Sam," I call out, she jolts her head up a bit, waiting for me to finish my question. "We are just going to step out of the room for a second." I place my hand on Abby's elbow. She reluctantly agrees. I know she'd rather talk to a bottle of tequila right now, then me, but I guess I'm not going to give her that choice. I pull the door of the exam room next to Jack's closed. 

"Hi.' She immediately paces the room, not wanting to make eye contact. I don't force it upon her. "Abby-" She shakes her head.

"You came back... Just- just like nothing had ever happened." Well that's not true. A lot happened. A lot of death, pain, suffering, crying... Lots happened. None of which I think she wants to hear a thing about. I watch her stop slowly, dragging her foot along the scuffed tiles, then she quickly starts her routine up again. Walking around the beds, past the cupboards, and then doing it all over again. 

"Abby, I know-" I try to explain it in a way she will understand, realising she won't, not matter what I say, she's Abby, so she's set in her opinions.

"I'm just glad you're safe." A sigh a sigh of relief. "I hate you." Of course you do. She walks closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "But you're safe." I lay my head down on hers, breathing in her scent. "Max did a story on you." I laugh a little, Max, one of the middle children. She's absolutely adorable, always wearing a smile. She recently turned four, Max and Jack are awfully close in age. So they are close, I love having a big family. A loving family. 


	4. Hiding

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Authors Note- Kind of Choppy, I know. I wrote it a two different points, so its a little mixed up. Anyways, thanks for all the reviews, the chapters won't be posted as frequently as some of my other fic's because it is harder to write chapters when I am the only one writing. Unlike my joint ones. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

A soothing hand brushes a few stray hairs out of my eyes. "Mm..." I hear myself moan, reaching up to swat the hand away from me, it comes back, but this time rests on my arm. Argh, doesn't he understand. Piss off, Carter. I'm tired, I've been up every night worrying about _you_. Spending every day taking care of _your_ kids. Okay so they're our kids, but it doesn't stop me from being a bit angry. I just don't understand why he had to go back there. The place where everything changed for us, or at least it seemed like that. I have come to realise that our relationship fell apart due to many things. Things we probably both had a bit to do with, but things happened in Africa, things that I don't even want to think about. I know that seven years of marriage to be enough to assure me. It does dick all. He _knocked_ her up. Impregnated her. It was a time we all found out that he is capable of having children. Something Susan joked about, well he is Carter... The man I love. I feel him run his fingers down my arm, then back up to my shoulders. I slap his hand a way.

"Abbbbbbby..." He whines, oh Jesus, why was I upset that he left? Now not only do I have to put up with four screaming kids, I have a fifth one. You know what? Kem can have you... I feel his mouth move to my neck, placing gentle kisses down to my collarbone. He move slowly to my ear. "Rise and shine beautiful." He starts off sour then boom he suddenly goes sweet on you. Not to say that sweet talk usually works on me, but when its been neglected for a bit, it kind of starts to rub you the right way. I slam my hand against his chest pushing him off me.

"I'm awake, are you happy?" I toss myself onto my back, rearranging my arms so they are under my head.

"Not really, I had to get up at six this morning to get the kids ready. That means spending an hour with Jack arguing." I laugh a little, I can only imagine what Jack has to say, between the broken wrist and his skateboard being taken away, he probably has an ear full for us.

"He get to preschool okay?" He nods his head, staring at me for a second. Sometimes he does this, looses his thoughts completely, staring at me. I've never been able to figure out why. I'm really not all that special. Hell Luka even said it to me once. I'm not that pretty or that special, but for some reason I'm exactly what Carter wanted.

"Yeah..." He bites a smile away. "You know Jack he was excited once I convinced him all the kids would think his cast was cool." I roll my eyes, great, get him thinking that once this one is gone he will want another one. I refuse to hold him down again while Susan and Sam cast him. That is something I would like to forget.

John falls against the bed, resting his head against the head board, sighing a bit. I can't help but smile, I'm still a bit upset with him. I know why he went back. I know exactly why. Its not the reason he says, its not what he keeps telling me, but I know he'll tell me the real reason on his own time. I can't force him, not like I can force things out of my kids. I want him to tell me when he's ready, sometimes I worry he never will be, but then I look at him, realising he really loves me as much as he says. He'll tell me.

I take his hand in my, interlacing our fingers, as I snuggle into his arms. I wonder how long we can do this before it gets awkward. Before I can't stand it anymore and just need his to fess up to me. I try to push that out of my mind, think of all we have. Our four beautiful children. Lucas, Jordan, Max, and Jack. They have become my world, something I never thought I wanted, dreaded, has become what I live for... Funny. A family. _My_ family. Each one having their own personality, their own way about them that makes them special, unique, loveable. Carter says Jordy is exactly like me, looks, personality. I'm not sure I always see it, but then she does something that I cringe at. It reminds me of something I would do.

We walk beside the river, the cool breeze deters me from the awkward silence that looms over us like a dark cloud. Silence. Something that wasn't there this morning. It seems as though every moment we push the truth away the deeper the wounds go. Nails digging into flesh deep. I wrap my arms around my jacket clad body. The wind rushes through my hair, throwing it this way and that. I glance over at him for a second, he's staring into the distance, not focusing on a single thing. I watch him for a few seconds, before turning away. I wasn't sure where we stood before he left, loving him has never been a problem. Even the days I didn't want to love him, I loved him. It's impossible to imagine my life without him in it. Without them in it. Together we make a family, I'm just not so sure this family is on the right track anymore. One thing stands in our way, the same thing that stood in our way more than ten years ago. Africa. The single word can make me cringe, send involuntary shivers down my spine. Him going there, somewhere I never wanted him to go. Despite the violence, there was always us. Being torn apart wasn't my biggest fear back then. It was getting hurt. It still is today, but overtime I have learned to overcome that, push it away. Now though, now I am afraid of something or someone coming in between us.

"We don't have long before the kids school ends." I nod in agreement. He's right we don't, its not enough time to solve this problem.

"I know." He watches me for a second, before stopping in front of a bench. The bench. _Our _bench.

"I'd never lie to you Abby." He says in one breath. I look out on the choppy river, birds flying for safety, the soon approaching storm looms overhead, daring to release its ever brewing rage.

"You'd keep something from me though." He heaves a deep sigh, I bring my eyes down, meeting his own. A stern line crosses over his lips, letting me is not something he's going to do today. I run my fingers through my dishevelled hair. It's no use, why did I even bother? Why did I want to spend the only day I have off with my husband? The same husband who can't even tell me the truth.

"It's complicated. You know that." Pfft. Complicated my ass. Its not complicated, we are making it complicated, you are making it complicated. I want so badly to wrap my hands around his neck and throttle him.

"It's not complicated John, you are. You refuse to let me in. Tell me what I already know." He shakes his head at me, trying to hide things. It scares me, it scares me that my own husband can't even tell me the truth. "Do you want this to rip apart this family John?" My voice growing louder, heavier with anger.

"What do you want to know?" He asks, his jaw clenched, fists balled at his side.

"Did you see her?" One simple question, one question that means so much to me. Not the answer. His answer. Will his answer coincide with the answer.

"Yes." Well he passed that test. He dangles his arms helplessly at his sides. It doesn't make me feel better, I thought it might, but it doesn't. He takes a step towards me, his hair flying with the wind, as a few raindrops powder his hair. "I had to Abby. You know that." I nod, my bottom a hole being drilled into my bottom lip from the constant nibbling of my teeth.

I know that, he knows that. Maybe it is good that he saw her. I mean I never hated her. Never knew her really, she always seemed nice, nothing that I didn't like about her. I wasn't completely taken by her like everyone else seemed to be. She just had the man I wanted, the man, at the time, I didn't know I wanted. I needed. I dig my hands into my pockets, I can feel the rain splatter down on the dry hard cement, smacking into every free spot. He watches me for a second longer, I turn away from him. I have to get my children. He doesn't follow, I didn't expect him too. The rain drops dribble down my cheeks, disguising the tears that have been falling since I left him. Maybe waiting to confront him with this issue wasn't the best idea. I wish I didn't have to prod him, dig it out of him. Everything can be battle with him, hell everything can be a battle with me. We created some tough kids too.

I wipe my eyes, as I approach the building, the kids are probably expecting a ride. Sorry, your father has the car. I wait out on the sidewalk like I do everyday. Lucas comes running out, Jack's tiny hand in his own. They run towards me, I scoop Jack into my arms.

"Didn't you bring the car mom?" Lucas whines, oh a little rain won't hurt you. I use to love the rain, it represented my pain, screaming out the truth.

"No." I state, planting a kiss on his forehead. He groans a little bit, I hand his brother off to him, as Max and Jordan come running toward me. I stretch my arms out, taking one in each. They both smile, gabbing about their days.

"No car?" I laugh, shaking my head slightly. They groan in unison. I run my fingers through their hair, wishing Carter was here, he'd know exactly what he was doing to me, to us.

"Daddy!" I turn around only to see John pull up in his jeep. Well at least he knows how to please them.


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